I was definitely rescued from oblivion by God on October 3rd of 2010.
And yet I still feel very much in a dark place.
It was quite confusing to me--if I've been rescued, why do I still feel as though I need to be rescued?
And then I was praying the other night and realized the perfect analogy for this feeling.
It's like Daniel in the lion's den.
When he was first tossed into that hole and darkness gripped him, he must have been terrified. But God stopped the lions from eating him. That was his rescue moment. But Daniel still had to chill in there in the dark and right in front of danger all night long. My night just isn't over yet.
So all I have to do is wait for God to roll away the stone and trust that He's still got them lions in control.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
something something
here's a thought my therapist has been helping me see ...slowly:
I don't have to do, say or be anything to be good enough. I am always good enough.
an interesting notion, but it will be a while before I start to feel/think/act like this, I think.
I don't have to do, say or be anything to be good enough. I am always good enough.
an interesting notion, but it will be a while before I start to feel/think/act like this, I think.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Maybe
I really dislike fake people.
it's possible to rant about it for a very long time (which I did and then deleted because it was tiresome) just showing how deeply offended I seem to be by this particular brand of human being.
but then I told someone about this and he said, "We often hate most the people who remind us of ourselves."
I value this person as a credible source of knowledge/advice/etc.
but does that mean that I am fake?
...maybe.
it's possible to rant about it for a very long time (which I did and then deleted because it was tiresome) just showing how deeply offended I seem to be by this particular brand of human being.
but then I told someone about this and he said, "We often hate most the people who remind us of ourselves."
I value this person as a credible source of knowledge/advice/etc.
but does that mean that I am fake?
...maybe.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
feel me up
i've been feeling good these past couple days.
it's really hard to keep track of my feelings because every hour is a mini-roller coaster of loops, spins, and hairpin turns to keep any thrill seeker on the edge of his/her seat. perhaps i should say my seat. because what i feel seems to have no rational roots, no identifiable source. and i am surprised each and every time at the surges. because they're not like waves on the beach... they lack the consistency and the predictability that waves have. it's a bit like the weather, always fucking with me so i'm never dressed appropriately.
i have been doing a lot of nothing. but on purpose this time. i'm trying to fill my days with only a couple things at a time. like today was a book ("A Guide to the Birds of East Africa" a novel) and the movie 500 days of summer. it's an interesting note on human purpose or existentialism or something else that i may possibly learn in my new asian philosophy class (confession: i'm kind of excited for school to start. all my classes sound fun) that through no design of my own both of these things that i used to fill up my day happened to share the theme of love.
love...
what a weird concept.
do you know what love is?
fuck if i do.
jesus said love is giving your life for a friend.
jesus was smart and all, but is that it? is that the only definition of love?
what about the love that everyone keeps signing up for online dating sites for? What about the love that perfume commercials and weight watchers ads claim to offer? what about the love that is supposed to be the foundation of marriage? what is it??
i propose an end to usage of this word LOVE to describe those things.
i propose we stick to CARE. i care for you. that means a lot more to me than i love you does. it has tone. it has implications. it has action behind it. love is the most actionless verb i can think of. what action comes automatically with love? nothing that i can think of.
i am not a cynic. i believe in relationships and marriage and a caring that is deep and lasting and can connect two individuals so that they are no longer individual but rather two parts of a whole.
but just the semantics of it all bothers me. love. what a loaded syllable. loaded... but somehow empty.
man if you read through that whole thing you deserve a prize.
hrm...
here is my reward to you.
i took like 15 minutes and came up with a bunch of sayings for girls masterbating. like how guys have "rub one off" or "jerk off." i wanted to think of something for girls. here goes:
tinkering with my taco
pushing around my pancake
fiddling with my flower
vandelising the verandah
bonding with my beaver
kneading my noodles
thats it. that is the product of about twenty minutes of HARD thinking.
yay education.
it's really hard to keep track of my feelings because every hour is a mini-roller coaster of loops, spins, and hairpin turns to keep any thrill seeker on the edge of his/her seat. perhaps i should say my seat. because what i feel seems to have no rational roots, no identifiable source. and i am surprised each and every time at the surges. because they're not like waves on the beach... they lack the consistency and the predictability that waves have. it's a bit like the weather, always fucking with me so i'm never dressed appropriately.
i have been doing a lot of nothing. but on purpose this time. i'm trying to fill my days with only a couple things at a time. like today was a book ("A Guide to the Birds of East Africa" a novel) and the movie 500 days of summer. it's an interesting note on human purpose or existentialism or something else that i may possibly learn in my new asian philosophy class (confession: i'm kind of excited for school to start. all my classes sound fun) that through no design of my own both of these things that i used to fill up my day happened to share the theme of love.
love...
what a weird concept.
do you know what love is?
fuck if i do.
jesus said love is giving your life for a friend.
jesus was smart and all, but is that it? is that the only definition of love?
what about the love that everyone keeps signing up for online dating sites for? What about the love that perfume commercials and weight watchers ads claim to offer? what about the love that is supposed to be the foundation of marriage? what is it??
i propose an end to usage of this word LOVE to describe those things.
i propose we stick to CARE. i care for you. that means a lot more to me than i love you does. it has tone. it has implications. it has action behind it. love is the most actionless verb i can think of. what action comes automatically with love? nothing that i can think of.
i am not a cynic. i believe in relationships and marriage and a caring that is deep and lasting and can connect two individuals so that they are no longer individual but rather two parts of a whole.
but just the semantics of it all bothers me. love. what a loaded syllable. loaded... but somehow empty.
man if you read through that whole thing you deserve a prize.
hrm...
here is my reward to you.
i took like 15 minutes and came up with a bunch of sayings for girls masterbating. like how guys have "rub one off" or "jerk off." i wanted to think of something for girls. here goes:
tinkering with my taco
pushing around my pancake
fiddling with my flower
vandelising the verandah
bonding with my beaver
kneading my noodles
thats it. that is the product of about twenty minutes of HARD thinking.
yay education.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
my first post of the year yay
so i went to new york and saw some sights and skipped others and ate pretty much EVERYTHING and laughed and sang a lot and danced a little and shivered and thawed and got another tat and had snow thrown at me and saw someone puke in a street and basically had a marvelous time.
but now it's got me to thinking...
you know how there are a bunch of things you think of as "stuff to see in NYC"? like... empire state building, ground zero memorial, statue of liberty, natural history museum, the met, broadway, central park, etc.
well what are the "stuff to see in LA"?
here's what i can think of so far:
-Getty
-LACMA (even if you dont go inside, the lights in front are worth the trip i think)
-Santa Monica pier
-3rd Street Promenade at night
-KTown (for FOOD)
-Hollywood (like the chinese theater/sidewalk with the stars)
-Disneyland i suppose
-Maybe Griffith observatory?
and i can't think of anything else. I guess because LA is so spread out there are a lot of things you can do depending on what kind of person you are, and also a lot of things that you might want to do but that it's so far you would rather not go spur of the moment (which explains why i'm bored a lot). If you're convicted that I missed something (or a lot of things), which I don't doubt, do me a favor and comment what i'm missing? I'd like to see what you guys think is sight seeing worthy in LA.
p.s. sorry for being mia for so long. blogging wasn't really the first thing on my mind.
but now it's got me to thinking...
you know how there are a bunch of things you think of as "stuff to see in NYC"? like... empire state building, ground zero memorial, statue of liberty, natural history museum, the met, broadway, central park, etc.
well what are the "stuff to see in LA"?
here's what i can think of so far:
-Getty
-LACMA (even if you dont go inside, the lights in front are worth the trip i think)
-Santa Monica pier
-3rd Street Promenade at night
-KTown (for FOOD)
-Hollywood (like the chinese theater/sidewalk with the stars)
-Disneyland i suppose
-Maybe Griffith observatory?
and i can't think of anything else. I guess because LA is so spread out there are a lot of things you can do depending on what kind of person you are, and also a lot of things that you might want to do but that it's so far you would rather not go spur of the moment (which explains why i'm bored a lot). If you're convicted that I missed something (or a lot of things), which I don't doubt, do me a favor and comment what i'm missing? I'd like to see what you guys think is sight seeing worthy in LA.
p.s. sorry for being mia for so long. blogging wasn't really the first thing on my mind.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
my friend told me
that she once read in a book that you should get five hugs a day.
2 is healthy
3 is okay
4 is good
but 5 is best.
who wants to hug me? :]
2 is healthy
3 is okay
4 is good
but 5 is best.
who wants to hug me? :]
Monday, November 1, 2010
tonight i went to prayer meeting
in alameda.
that is literally all i have done today.
lately i've been really unmotivated in terms of school, housework, and even relationships with people actually. I feel no need to talk to people or meet new people or hang out with old friends... I dont care enough about class to go to class, so i dont prepare for class since i know i wont go.
And this is coming at the worst time since i have papers and midterms coming up within the next couple weeks.
i dont want to do anything, including laundry or cooking to feed myself.
sometimes i'm unmotivated to the point of not showering or changing out of my clothes from sleeping all day long and just going back to bed again at night.
and not being motivated is simply making me feel like a failure and making me really guilty.
but i'm still not motivated.
and don't tell me to just do it.
i already know that i have to just do it.
*sigh*
i just dont see the point in anything anymore.
that is literally all i have done today.
lately i've been really unmotivated in terms of school, housework, and even relationships with people actually. I feel no need to talk to people or meet new people or hang out with old friends... I dont care enough about class to go to class, so i dont prepare for class since i know i wont go.
And this is coming at the worst time since i have papers and midterms coming up within the next couple weeks.
i dont want to do anything, including laundry or cooking to feed myself.
sometimes i'm unmotivated to the point of not showering or changing out of my clothes from sleeping all day long and just going back to bed again at night.
and not being motivated is simply making me feel like a failure and making me really guilty.
but i'm still not motivated.
and don't tell me to just do it.
i already know that i have to just do it.
*sigh*
i just dont see the point in anything anymore.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
trickle trickle plop PLOP.
IT'S RAINING!!!
usually i wake up earlier than necessary because i have to pee, roll over and decide to hold it until i really have to wake up and then sleep more.
but these days i wake up and then cant fall back asleep because the rain makes me need to pee even MORE and i can't ignore it.
i still crawl back in bed after i pee though ^^
i want to start a band!
i keep getting nostalgic praiseband memories, and i miss playing an instrument in coordination with other people. There is a sort of wonderful feeling that comes from making pretty music with someone else when it is done well. You are capable of connecting to another person and grow comfortable with them... there's nothing else quite like it that i have yet to encounter so far.
the likelihood of this ever happening, however, is not high.
i have a midterm tomorrow in oceanography.
we shall see how this proceeds.
usually i wake up earlier than necessary because i have to pee, roll over and decide to hold it until i really have to wake up and then sleep more.
but these days i wake up and then cant fall back asleep because the rain makes me need to pee even MORE and i can't ignore it.
i still crawl back in bed after i pee though ^^
i want to start a band!
i keep getting nostalgic praiseband memories, and i miss playing an instrument in coordination with other people. There is a sort of wonderful feeling that comes from making pretty music with someone else when it is done well. You are capable of connecting to another person and grow comfortable with them... there's nothing else quite like it that i have yet to encounter so far.
the likelihood of this ever happening, however, is not high.
i have a midterm tomorrow in oceanography.
we shall see how this proceeds.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
weekend at home
i got to visit home for basically a day...
it was kind of good, since i felt a little bit like i was in high school again (even went dress shopping. and may i say.. i look smexy.)
so that meant that i felt a little less pressured and a bit more relaxed...
plus i got to see many lovely faces while i was back, including sabrina's to our surprise. :]
i miss you guys already!
didnt get any tacos though. that was a tad disappointing...
and i also ate for free all weekend cuz my parents paid (well they pay for my food anyways, but it physically came out of their pocketbooks at the table so it felt different.)
and i hate the ascent during plane rides.
FREAKS me out dude.
*shudder*
and thats all i can think of.
it was kind of good, since i felt a little bit like i was in high school again (even went dress shopping. and may i say.. i look smexy.)
so that meant that i felt a little less pressured and a bit more relaxed...
plus i got to see many lovely faces while i was back, including sabrina's to our surprise. :]
i miss you guys already!
didnt get any tacos though. that was a tad disappointing...
and i also ate for free all weekend cuz my parents paid (well they pay for my food anyways, but it physically came out of their pocketbooks at the table so it felt different.)
and i hate the ascent during plane rides.
FREAKS me out dude.
*shudder*
and thats all i can think of.
Friday, October 1, 2010
sometimes
i wonder what it would be like to take a semester off.
Just leave and take a break for a while.
Maybe go into the mountains where the only technology i have is a landline telephone and running water.
Just pray, buy groceries, take walks, read books.
No more worrying or being afraid or feeling alone while you're surrounded by people.
Because being alone because you choose to be and feeling alone when you're really not are two very different things. And somehow it seems that the first option would be serene and peaceful where the second option is full of unintentional rejection and loneliness.
Or maybe I would go to another city. Someplace where no one knows me. Start fresh.
Or stay at home and soak up my family. Every last ounce of them, because no one else will love you as unconditionally and no one else will annoy you half as much.
I think i'm just exhausted, and i dont want to be a quitter or give up or be weak or anything like that... but i'm so FUCKING exhausted...
on a different note,
i'll be in torrance this weekend and have made plans to see a couple of you. If you and I arent already planning to hang out and you're free on saturday, feel free to call me k? :]
i love you all!
Just leave and take a break for a while.
Maybe go into the mountains where the only technology i have is a landline telephone and running water.
Just pray, buy groceries, take walks, read books.
No more worrying or being afraid or feeling alone while you're surrounded by people.
Because being alone because you choose to be and feeling alone when you're really not are two very different things. And somehow it seems that the first option would be serene and peaceful where the second option is full of unintentional rejection and loneliness.
Or maybe I would go to another city. Someplace where no one knows me. Start fresh.
Or stay at home and soak up my family. Every last ounce of them, because no one else will love you as unconditionally and no one else will annoy you half as much.
I think i'm just exhausted, and i dont want to be a quitter or give up or be weak or anything like that... but i'm so FUCKING exhausted...
on a different note,
i'll be in torrance this weekend and have made plans to see a couple of you. If you and I arent already planning to hang out and you're free on saturday, feel free to call me k? :]
i love you all!
Friday, September 17, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
the truth is...
it bothers me.
it bothers me sooo much.
it brings me to tears,
and i cant leave my bed in the mornings sometimes.
but i cant tell you that. Because you're trying so hard not to hurt me.
I love you, and I'm very thankful to you.
I'm sorry that I can't offer you any more comfort.
I'm sorry that I can't always be there for you.
I'm sorry that I try to speak and choke on tears instead, so all you hear is silence.
I miss you and I'll see you soon.
it bothers me sooo much.
it brings me to tears,
and i cant leave my bed in the mornings sometimes.
but i cant tell you that. Because you're trying so hard not to hurt me.
I love you, and I'm very thankful to you.
I'm sorry that I can't offer you any more comfort.
I'm sorry that I can't always be there for you.
I'm sorry that I try to speak and choke on tears instead, so all you hear is silence.
I miss you and I'll see you soon.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
alright
so as far as i am aware, everyone has gotten their secret santa person. because no one has spoken up otherwise. lazies.
and ashley is the only person who has sent me a wishlist. BUT, I was talking to audrey, and she thinks that restricting the wishlist to X amount of things is lame and that she likes to have LOTS of options sooooo... i guess fuck it and do what you like. if you cant think of a ton of shit then whatever and if you have a lot of wishes, tell us. i mean, the point of a wishlist is to be helpful to the people who have to get you something. so use your best judgement.
so ashley if you want more stuff go ahead and send it to me and i'll add it to your list. :]
and i will have the list to you guys as SOON as the last person sends it to me. so please dont waste your time studying and decide what material goods would most satisfy your deepest desires to be wanted and loved in this world. oh gosh i'm too tired to be writing a blog post. nothing i'm writing is making any sense.
i'll probably edit this later to fix the oddness.
but basically, send me your wishlists soon k? kthnxbai
and ashley is the only person who has sent me a wishlist. BUT, I was talking to audrey, and she thinks that restricting the wishlist to X amount of things is lame and that she likes to have LOTS of options sooooo... i guess fuck it and do what you like. if you cant think of a ton of shit then whatever and if you have a lot of wishes, tell us. i mean, the point of a wishlist is to be helpful to the people who have to get you something. so use your best judgement.
so ashley if you want more stuff go ahead and send it to me and i'll add it to your list. :]
and i will have the list to you guys as SOON as the last person sends it to me. so please dont waste your time studying and decide what material goods would most satisfy your deepest desires to be wanted and loved in this world. oh gosh i'm too tired to be writing a blog post. nothing i'm writing is making any sense.
i'll probably edit this later to fix the oddness.
but basically, send me your wishlists soon k? kthnxbai
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
well it's been a while.
I'm not super exciting lately. No profound thoughts. No cool events.
I'm so boring! T-T
My classes this semester are quite manageable up to this point. I just need to buckle down and make sure I dont waste too much time like i did this past weekend. OH. i finished all the episodes of big bang theory. and now i'm sad. but there's less to distract me :]
also, this past saturday was the first football game against UCDavis. It wasnt really fair because it was their first division one game, but we sort of crushed them. 49-3. As a result we got 25% off at the student store! so now i have a long sleeved shirt and a pair of sweats that say BERKELEY or UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA BERKELEY etc. It's crazy though. Cal gear is like an addiction. I get more and more but I'm never satisfied. Like i want some V-necks and a pair of comfy shorts and a zip up jacket and another pull over sweater and a teddy bear and another mug and a scarf and a pair of gloves and someone stop me! aaah!! oO;;
xD
oh i guess i could talk about how i'm conflicted about what extracurriculars i want to do.
So i want to do CLAM (Cal Literary and Art Magazine) which sounds SUPER cool, kinda low maintenance and the people seem sophisticated and awesome. They meet Tuesdays at 8-9pm.
I also want to join a small group with either my church Livingwater or my fellowship group InterVarsity. All the small groups seem to meet on Wednesday or Tuesday at either 7 or 8pm and will probably last for at least two hours.
Lastly, I want to stay involved in Camp Kesem. They meet on Wednesdays at probably 7pm, although I am not sure.
If i could give up anything I feel like it would be Camp Kesem for just this semester, since they mostly just do fundraising and socials this semester. But I really want to do it still. :[
dilemma's suck.
anyways, this update is mostly because I havent posted in a while. I dont have much to say really.
I'm so boring! T-T
My classes this semester are quite manageable up to this point. I just need to buckle down and make sure I dont waste too much time like i did this past weekend. OH. i finished all the episodes of big bang theory. and now i'm sad. but there's less to distract me :]
also, this past saturday was the first football game against UCDavis. It wasnt really fair because it was their first division one game, but we sort of crushed them. 49-3. As a result we got 25% off at the student store! so now i have a long sleeved shirt and a pair of sweats that say BERKELEY or UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA BERKELEY etc. It's crazy though. Cal gear is like an addiction. I get more and more but I'm never satisfied. Like i want some V-necks and a pair of comfy shorts and a zip up jacket and another pull over sweater and a teddy bear and another mug and a scarf and a pair of gloves and someone stop me! aaah!! oO;;
xD
oh i guess i could talk about how i'm conflicted about what extracurriculars i want to do.
So i want to do CLAM (Cal Literary and Art Magazine) which sounds SUPER cool, kinda low maintenance and the people seem sophisticated and awesome. They meet Tuesdays at 8-9pm.
I also want to join a small group with either my church Livingwater or my fellowship group InterVarsity. All the small groups seem to meet on Wednesday or Tuesday at either 7 or 8pm and will probably last for at least two hours.
Lastly, I want to stay involved in Camp Kesem. They meet on Wednesdays at probably 7pm, although I am not sure.
If i could give up anything I feel like it would be Camp Kesem for just this semester, since they mostly just do fundraising and socials this semester. But I really want to do it still. :[
dilemma's suck.
anyways, this update is mostly because I havent posted in a while. I dont have much to say really.
Monday, August 23, 2010
camp kesem
oh my goodness!
i had a really really good time at camp. seriously if your school does have a camp kesem you should join it and become a counselor. because i just had a solid week of exhausting fun.
it has been so long since i hung out with a bunch of kids that i forgot how awesome they can be. they say cute things, they goof off, they're REALLY creative and funny, and above all they're really innocent and sweet. My experience was especially awesome since my kids had little to no behavioral issues. If you told them to stop doing something they might argue a little or come up with excuses, but they would stop. I'm so grateful that our kids were basically little angels.
Honestly, the whole purpose of camp didn't really hit home more than a couple times. The cancer aspect of it rarely came up, but when it did it was simply inspiring how these kids could manage to smile and laugh and joke around even though they were going through such tough stuff.
I dont want to sound cheesy or philosophical or abstract or anything, but it was seriously a blessing to participate in something like this. I had SO much fun, and yet I felt like i was making some sort of contribution towards bettering these kids' world.
Of course, by the end of camp i was sick as a dog with a fever, cough and body aches. After almost a day and a half of straight sleeping though, I am all better. Slight cough still but i feel great!
now i just have to do the laundry... :[
i had a really really good time at camp. seriously if your school does have a camp kesem you should join it and become a counselor. because i just had a solid week of exhausting fun.
it has been so long since i hung out with a bunch of kids that i forgot how awesome they can be. they say cute things, they goof off, they're REALLY creative and funny, and above all they're really innocent and sweet. My experience was especially awesome since my kids had little to no behavioral issues. If you told them to stop doing something they might argue a little or come up with excuses, but they would stop. I'm so grateful that our kids were basically little angels.
Honestly, the whole purpose of camp didn't really hit home more than a couple times. The cancer aspect of it rarely came up, but when it did it was simply inspiring how these kids could manage to smile and laugh and joke around even though they were going through such tough stuff.
I dont want to sound cheesy or philosophical or abstract or anything, but it was seriously a blessing to participate in something like this. I had SO much fun, and yet I felt like i was making some sort of contribution towards bettering these kids' world.
Of course, by the end of camp i was sick as a dog with a fever, cough and body aches. After almost a day and a half of straight sleeping though, I am all better. Slight cough still but i feel great!
now i just have to do the laundry... :[
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